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PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:31 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 3:19 pm
Posts: 66
A "one-off" post, done just because I felt silly, about my Death Knight's arrival on Azeroth. Inspired by Cassie's "The Very Secret Diaries..." http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/



Day 1:
Woke up dead in the Ebon Hold. Overall decorating scheme is black, trimmed with Early Dismal. Oversized dead guy who tells me to go kill dead people. Logic of this escapes me until he tells me that if I win I get nice armor and shiny sword and if I lose I get fed to the zombies.

As a motivational speaker he's very motivational.



Day 2:
Still dead. Have Black armor trimmed with tacky screaming skulls obviously made by dead guy whose sense of fashion died a horrible death. Lich King Arthas sends me off to go kill more dead things.

Arthas' armor makes him look fat. Makes his head look really teeny, too. Decide to not tell him.



Day 3:
Still dead. Have dead horsie. Found mailbox full of dead letters. Am sensing a theme, here.

In other news, have noticed all the trainers seem to be about 14 feet tall. Measured myself. Am only 5' 5" tall. If evil makes you really big, I'm not evil enough yet.



Day 4:
Still not evil enough. Sent to Prince Keleseth, who seems to fancy prancing around in skirts, wearing tacky orange accessories, and torturing people. Dead letter box has ad for Vigoro. Wonder if fertilizer works better than evil for making you taller.

Later:
Arthas has decided to mind-whisper me. His idea of fore-play seems to be "go and make everything dead." Maybe this explains the garter-belt boots outfit for female death knights.

What's with his belt buckle, anyway? Looks like a badly misplaced codpiece. If that's what it REALLY is... well... uhm... there's things about this whole death experience that I really don't want to find out about.



Day 5:
Gothik wants skulls. And a cauldron. And chain. And he wants me to carry it all in a bag.

Hello??? I'm only 5'5" tall! That cauldron's the size of a TANK! Being undead obviously distorts your sense of perception... which might explain Arthas' gear and the disturbingly teeny head bit.

Still shorter than everyone else. Sent off for Vigoro.



Day 6:
Asked Arthas where he got my name from, and he said it was from a book that fell through the Dark Portal that talked about a god called "The Wolf Who Guards The Gate." Totally lame. I think I'll go kill something.

Thought I grew a half inch but it was just the heels on the new boots they gave me.

I wonder if Arthas wears height inserts in his armor. That would explain the teeny head and weird position of the belt buckle.



Day 7:
Killed 100 or so and took out most of the Scarlet Crusade's ballistas.

Still short. Still dead. This evil bit isn't working out.



Day 8:
Spent the day pretending to be various humans and then making other various humans dead and bringing their heads to Thassarian and Gothik. Still short.

Vigoro is not here yet.

At least Arthas has quit whispering to me.



Day 10:
Sent to kill Lady Eonys. Said she was a friend of mine and reminded me of our shopping trips to Lacy's of Silvermoon and Urban Jungle. Killed her after she made tacky remark about my stupid boots.

Am badly in need of retail therapy. Buying corpse dust from Alchemist Karloff does not count as retail therapy.



Day 11:
Vigoro arrived. We'll see who has the biggest belt buckle, Mr. Lord of the Undead!



Day 15:
Vigoro ad was overly optomistic. Consumed two bottles of the stuff and killed all the crusaders I could find. Still short and dead. Being sent to Light's Hope Chapel to bring evil into the land. Hopefully will grow an inch or two. Highlord Darion Mograine says it's 10,000 of us versus 300 of them.

later:
Highlord Darion Mograine can't count.



Day 16:
Very confusing afternoon yesterday. Arthas shows up after defeat, sneers at everyone and vanishes when Fordring goes after him. Figures. Back to Ebon Hold to kill everyone who didn't join us or run away with Arthas.

If killing is evil, does killing evil people make you more evil or less evil?

Darion Morgaine sends me off to Orgrimmar with letter for Warchief Thrall. Stupid banana- throwing Kor'kron guard distracted me from drooling at Warchief Thrall. Would rather drool at Warchief Thrall than deal with bananas. Warchief Thrall has a broad chest, strong chin, silky beard, long silky black hair, firm hard muscles, and deep blue eyes and... what?

Oh. Gave letter to Warchief. Warchief makes them stop throwing fruit and proclaims me a member of the Horde, including ability to enjoy retail therapy at the finest shops in Orgrimmar.

I wonder if he likes garter belt boots.



Day 17:
Went to see if Warchief wants to inspect armor. Flouncy prat named Ambassador Dawnsinger stopped me, said further instructions were in the mail. Went to mail, found ad for Vigoro and a note from the Ambassador assigning me to Outland.

I think she suspects something.



Day 18:
Arrived at Thrallmar. Nobody excited to see Death Knight, not even in garter belt boots. At least there's no fruit.

Still short.

Wonder if I can get Vigoro delivered out here.


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